Unmasking the Idol is the first movie ever made where the director knew more people who owned airplanes and owed him favors than people with tripod experience willing to work for free. Never has an obviously cheap film looked so expensive.
Here's the pitch:
Our hero is James Bond except now James Bond has a stupid name (Duncan Jax), periodically forgets he has an English accent, and dresses up like a knight because he wants to be a ninja but has never seen what one looks like. James Bond, the least adorable animal companion in cinematic history, and an army of indistinguishable characters with unidentifiable brogues, battle other ninjas and the Oakridge Boys in various levels from Super Nintendo's Pilotwings. We present the audience with 37 different MacGuffins so that it has no idea why anyone is doing anything. Then we add equal parts explosions and exposition. The exposition will not only be boring, it will also be unhelpful.
But you came here for a movie review not a synopsis. This is the part where I review stuff from the movie.
The writing: Bad. It's possible that if I watch the movie three or four more times I might catch a line of dialog that explains something I didn't think was explained. I admit that, but an understanding of what's happening in a movie should not be dependent on a throw-away line. This is the worst kind of movie to review because I feel slightly negligent for not knowing, for instance, who our hero works for or the names of any of the characters.
And in fairness, the motivations for the things that happen on screen are sometimes elaborately detailed, it's just that there are so many justifications that they cease to make sense in any way. Why does Duncan have to travel to the island of North Carolina to steal all the gold from an evil red ninja? Because the evil red ninja will use the gold to build nuclear bombs. But really it's because the evil red ninja killed Duncan's parents. But really it's because the evil red ninja has another treasure that's better than gold. But really it's because Duncan wants to get in his ninja/knight hybrid mask and go hot air ballooning with his friends (this is a thing that happens).
At least director Worth Keeter makes an effort to change up the scenery while his characters talk about stuff. Sometimes they're in a hot tub. Sometimes they're at a dinner table. Sometimes they're in the same barren white room with no walls or doors that Neo got his guns from in The Matrix except now there are exam desks instead. Whether or not anything useful was said in these scenes is unclear. I would have to watch the movie again to let you know. I had to take an hour break at the halfway point to get through it the first time, so a second viewing is unlikely.
I do know that 75 minutes into a 90 minute movie, we discover the reason the movie is called Unmasking the Idol and that reason is that there is an idol that has nothing to do with the plot of the movie up to that point.
Early on in the film, a title card informs us that "The mission begins." It's the only time we get a title card and it's the last time I had any idea what was going on. Some might call this amateurish, but I'd argue Keeter should have employed the technique throughout the film. Simple things like, "Now they are going to punch some bad guys in the face" or "This scene will not impact the plot in any way" would have helped keep me in the loop.
The acting: Bad. Ian Hunter's performance (Duncan Jax) consists of opening his eyes wide and then rapidly contracting them again to indicate that what he has just said is immensely interesting because otherwise there's no way to tell. I guess he deserves some credit for this.
The camera-work: Bad. You know when you tighten all the knobs on a tripod and then decide that tilting and panning might make your shot more interesting but you're lazy so instead of loosening any of the knobs you try to coax the camera to move with a gentle push but that doesn't work so you push a little harder and then suddenly you're herky-jerking your way across the scenery like an animatronic puppet at Chuck E. Cheese's? Yeah. That's most of this movie.
The fight choreography: Bad. It's roughly on par with Power Rangers. Which IMDb tells me Keeter directed many episodes of. Oh.
The monkey: Evil. This movie has a monkey. Most of the time throwing a trained animal into a movie is a surefire way to gain some goodwill from the audience. Here it backfires horribly. "Boon" the Baboon is ugly. It looks kind of like a giant rat with a dog snout and an afro. Duncan spends a lot of time making kissy faces at it. There is nothing redeemable about Boon.
I'm going to stop here for now even though I haven't hit on half the points I wanted to make because I have something important to tell you. Sometimes people like to watch bad movies ironically because deep down, most film nerds think they could have written for Mystery Science Theater 3000. That's fine. But trust me when I say this movie is not a good time. I know who you are. You're an ironic film hipster. You're looking for the buzz phrases "so bad it's good" and "unintentionally funny." I guess it has some of that. But mostly it has boring. Lots and lots of boring.
Until the end that is, when everyone gets their own helicopter or airplane. I admit it picks up a little at that point.
Next week I'll go a little more in depth and I'll even have screen caps. No, I don't know why I'm doing this either.
